SHIT!

It's been a month since I got married and I can't say I feel any different than before. It kinda still feels the same to me. I still walk the way I do, talk the way I do, and think the way I used to.

Well, yeah, some things have changed, I now have a sleeping partner, I have sex whenever I want to and don't want to, I also get to cook a lot more often.. now that part I dread!

The weirdest thing happened two days after I said I do and I mean weird in capital. Still on our honeymoon in a hotel in Paris, we'd been feasting mostly on snacks since we couldn't bear to eat most of their delicacies.

Out of the blues, I decided to try out their spicy prawn pasta since it was the only familiar food out of the rest I could identify with. Safe to say, I paid the price for the meal the very next day.

Henry was out to use the ATM and order pizza, I had just gotten out of bed when I felt the urge to take a dump. I quickly rushed to the rest room. Behold, I felt like all my sins were being purged away as the substance that kept passing out of my rare were enormous.

I was grateful Henry wasn't around to witness this event as I took the opportunity of being alone to do and undo, having the luxury of enhancing the odour of the toilet with my excrement.

I kept purging and oh the smell oozing out was horrible. Sadly, my *home alone* experience didn't last long as I heard the sound of the door open. I knew I had to do a quick operation to eradicate the smell before Henry came any closer.

So I quickly grabbed the air freshener and sprayed all round the toilet, but that didn't do enough justice as the purging got to another level and so did the smell. I decided to spray all the content of the bottle and almost immediately, I started to choke.

I guess I overdid it.

Henry must have heard me coughing cos he started knocking on the door asking if I was OK. I replied that I was fine but still kept on coughing.

"Open the door." He said

Huh?? Open the door?? I was ready to choke than have him sniff on my poo.

"Uhmn, honey, I'm OK. Its just a cough."

At this point I was close to coughing out my intestine but what was more annoying was the purging, it just didn't stop!

Henry began banging on the door furiously.

"Open this door Kike or I'd push it down." He yelled

Oh no! I started weighing my options. Refuse to open the door, what if he actually pushes it down like he said. Can't afford that expense. Open the door and allow him see me doing number 2 more like 3 cos this purging just took it to another level entirely.

I was still contemplating when I heard his voice louder this time.

"Kike, open this door!"

"I'm coming." I said coughing.

I quickly flushed the toilet then opened the door as he stepped in, just then my stomach started another round of rumbling, I immediately rushed back to the loo and let out a fat smelly dump.. And then the cough continued.

Henry came right next to me as if we weren't in a toilet, a smelly one at that while I was taking a dump. Couldn't he perceive the suffocating odor or was he immune to this sort of smell?

"Are you OK, do you need me to get you a glass of water?" He asked.

"No I'm fine, don't worry I just.." I started coughing again.. I tried to get the tissue to clean up myself feeling weird.

Here, let me help you." He said

Help me?? Naa, no way was I allowing him clean my butt.

He grabbed the tissue and I started to protest but he took it from me.

"Allow me." He said.

He took the tissue and cleaned me up like a mother would her child. I felt totally embarrassed and very vulnerable too.

After he was done, he flushed the toilet and led me to the bathroom to take a hot shower.

Nobody told me marriage was gonna be this weird and creepy, but as weird as it is, I think I like it!

Later that evening while we laid in bed cuddling, Henry looked at me and said.

"Babe, I had this very weird experience today... I almost passed out!"

"Really?! What happened??" I said bemused

Then he replied

"Your Shit!"

Article: Dawota Bobmanuel.